Mon.-"And now, let the weak say I am strong..." 1 Tim. 1:15,16~"This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. However, for this reason I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might show all longsuffering and a pattern to those who are going to believe on Him for everlasting life."
Alli came over today and sewed straps on to Susan's prom dress. She helped us plant a garden of green beans, beets, lettuce, spinach, yellow squash, zucchini, and cucumbers. Tomorrow, I will buy some tomato plants and get them into the ground. It's a nice sized doable garden. We've always planted gardens so big that we couldn't keep up with them.
CS materials ordered. Yippee! Doing lots of wash. Gathering some things together for a trip to Pa. Guys are working at O'Brien's and Happy Valley. Morris is planting seed corn. Seeds are miraculous.
I'm thinking about Jesus asleep in the boat. The storm was getting worse and worse and the disciples finally woke Him up. He calmed the storm and then asked, "Where is your faith?" What if Jesus was asking them why they didn't have faith to wake Him up BEFORE things got out of hand? Before they were terrified. Before there was a crisis? Why do we wait so long to ask Him for help? Could it be it's because we lack faith to believe He would help us even if things were not that bad? Do we cry for help from Him as a last resort instead of calling on Him as our first resort? Maybe,I don't believe that He cares about the little waves. Maybe, I don't ask for help because I don't want to seem like a wimp. I think I can handle this little crisis. I'll ask for help when things get much worse.
Do I believe that Jesus cares about me getting seasick or do I just believe He cares whether or not I drown? (I just read this to Ginger, who just called, and she said, that this is what we do with people, too. We don't ask for help until it's really bad.)
Unfortunately, we tend to compare our troubles with others. If we think we have more trouble than others, we tend not to help others out in their 'lesser' troubles. Or we think, "They are strong. They can handle it. It's not that big of a deal." Or, we can have many troubles, and yet think that others have it worse than us, and so we don't ask for help.
But 'troubles is troubles' and Jesus is in our boat, and we can wake Him up when the waves are splashing us a little bit and we're getting sea sick or we can wake Him up when we're about to drown.
I don't know about you, but I don't like being seasick. My mother used to say this about seasickness:"First you're afraid that you're going to drown and then you're afraid that you're not going to drown." And so, I am wondering, if our lack of faith reveals itself most when we wait too long to 'wake Jesus up.' Jesus, wake up! It's looking like it's going to storm!
Thankful for the conversation with Lindsay and for her help in getting a blog book printed from the blog I made from my mother's writings-I.B.Lieve.
Thankful for the warm windy day and for the trip down memory lane as I perused through all of our photo albums looking for pictures of a special someone.
Thankful for my cheerful husband.
Thankful that our friends defibulator went off and kept him from having a heart attack. He's on his way home from the hospital this eve. after having quite an experience at Disneyland-CA. during his 45th wedding anniversary celebration. We love you Tom and Kathy, Kelly and Dan, Sloane and Blythe. All will be well.
Tues.-"Give thanks with a grateful heart..." Went out to Farmville for homeschool co-op, Walmart, Sweet Frog, and B&M greenhouse plants. Visited Ginger and chased Ryder ("Miss Annette, are you going to chase me?") and ate G's delicious homemade chicken salad in pita bread. She also served her warm just-out-of-the-oven strawberry yogurt bundt cake. So good. She sent home a jar of strawberry freezer jam which I had to try out with toast after we came home. Susan and I planted at least 2 dozen tomato plants and some red pepper plants, parsley, and basil and some flowers. We planted some of the same over at Happy Valley so that when The Family comes to visit their vacation home, they can have fresh tomatoes in their own back yard. Speaking of those friends,- Tom, who did not have the heart attack, does not have kidney damage either. God healed him of that in this process. Dan called it 'your basic miracle.' Which I like. Sounds like faith to me.
Susan started halter training Lucy today. Lucy seems more like a pet dog than an angus calf. Susan was laying on the ground and Lucy was running around her. Lucy bumps into her and nudges her and sucks the heels of her feet. I went to the KNIT group tonight. The girls thanked me for being a Titus 2 woman, which made me feel funny, because I think I am their age. Came home and stayed up late face booking Lindsay and Ginger and I was getting a bit 'high' off of our conversation.
I'm thinking more about Jesus and the boat and the storm, etc. and His rebuke at the disciples lack of faith. Suppose your child was going through a very rough time but they kept it to themselves until they were backed up against a wall and there was no way out except to tell you about it. By then, the storm would be out of hand and you'd wonder, "Why didn't they tell me before it got this bad? Don't they trust me? I could have helped them. Where is their faith in me? Why did they doubt that my heart is full of love and goodness towards them?"
The other options as to why He rebuked their faithlessness would be that maybe they shouldn't have been scared no matter how bad things were because He was in their boat, howbeit, asleep. Or, maybe, He wished that they themselves had the faith to rebuke the winds and the waves and create peace out of chaos. But I really do think He meant, "Where is your faith in My goodness? Why didn't you wake me up sooner? Why did you wait until things were this bad? Why were you ashamed to ask for My help? Why did you think I needed sleep more than you needed My help."
I think we should learn to call on Him when we see the beginnings of the storm. We shouldn't wait until we are desperate and things are out of control. We should trouble Jesus with our troubles before our troubles trouble us.
Faith is calling things that are not as though they are.
Just like when Jesus said, "Peace, be still" before there was peace and stillness.
Faith is not calling things that are as though they are not.
We don't go around saying 'There's no storm," when 30 foot waves are crashing over the bow of our boat.
Faith is going to the peace maker so He can quiet your storm.
If you are sinking, don't pretend you are not.
That's not faith. That's denial.
True faith allows you to be real.
Wed.-"Still, still with Thee...when purple morning breaketh...When the bird waketh, and the shadows flee; Fairer than morning, lovelier than the daylight, Dawns the sweet consciousness, I am with Thee." My mother's favorite song. And she is with Him. Some time around 4 this morning, her breathing peacefully slowed to a stop. She's breathing heaven's air. When I spoke to her on the phone our last time, she said, "I wish you were here...." I didn't get to talk to her again because it was getting too hard for her to breathe and talk at the same time. But all day today, I hear her 'saying' those same words to me, only her voice has a song and a lilt to it and she's exclaiming, "I wish you were HERE!"
It was a busy day of phone calls, muscle therapy, and shopping for funeral clothes. We had tried to find something the other day but nothing was right. A lady at Dress Barn in Chesterfield asked if we needed help and I told her we needed clothes for a funeral and she was so kind and helped us find what we needed quickly. God bless Bonnie.
Michelle M. came over and spent some time with us in the eve. I caught up with face book messages. People are so kind. It's overwhelming.
I also worked out the printing of mother's blog with Lindsay. She sent all the info. to the blog book site and everything I blogged from mother's journals is being printed and bound into a paperback book. I will give one to each of our children and siblings.I want to keep on making blog books from her writings. A friend called, who knew about this project, and told me she wants to give me $100 towards this endeavor in honor of my mother. How kind she is.
In the evening, I found out I was one of the five winners of the Zondervan Mom's Devotional Bible writer's competition. Michael wondered what I would 'get' for winning. I said that I'd get a free mom's devo. Bible. He thought he should win one too since I wrote about him. I told him we'll buy him one.
Well, it's getting late. I've run the extremes of emotions today. Was it just this morning that I got that early morning call and my heart was pounding so badly I could hardly breathe?
I am so glad. I am so thankful He answered my prayers. When she would talk about her fear of dying, or should I say, the process of dying, I would say, "Mother, I am praying that He takes you peacefully in your sleep. I don't think you will struggle in the end." When Rosalee called this morning, she said, "God answered your prayer."
Today I have jumped up and down for joy and thanksgiving to God, who has given Mother her heart's desire. Today I have sobbed in His arms because He gave Mother her hearts desire. Good and holy God. Faithful, just, and true.
Thurs.-"Sometimes...I feel..like a motherless child..." That old spiritual was singing to me this morning. But I like another verse in 'Still, still with Thee' better. 'When sinks the soul, subdued by toil, to slumber. Its closing eyes look up to Thee in prayer; Sweet the repose beneath Thy wings o'er-shading. But sweeter still to wake and find Thee there.' I listened to several versions of this song today sung by men's chorales. I have never heard a more beautiful song. Today was a day of many phone calls, plannings, packing, etc. I put together 6 of my favorite poems that mother wrote and will read them in the funeral service. Mickey, my neighbor, told me of a notary public just a few miles down the road. I didn't have to go the whole way to town to get the affadavit from Zondervan notarized. Saved me so much time. On Sunday, our pastor asked us to team up with another person in church, and call them every day, and be their armor bearer. My armor bearer has been doing more than her fair share. She's been calling and praying, and tonight, she brought us an amazing mexican meal. Thank you, Ginger. Also, today, Micah ended up in the ER and eventually the Richmond hospital via ambulance because they found fluid in his hips. They needed to drain it and make sure they were ready to take care of his hip if there was an infection. Pastor Josh took them a meal from Chick Filet while they were still at SouthSide. He said that Micah had never had 'Christian chicken' before. Micah pretended that the waffle fries were railroad tracks and then he ate like he's not had food for a long time. Janelle cancelled her involvement with a conference and we didn't get to have him here until tomorrow morning afterall. The guys have been turkey hunting, planting corn, doing some odd jobs. Susan watched over me all day, bringing me water and food, while I tried to get my act together. People have been so kind. Some times there are those who say that face book is of the devil. But this week, it has been an instrument of life and comfort to me. So many people have written kind and tender things about my mother and their thoughts toward us. I definitely feel part of a much larger community. And I wonder if I have been this kind to people when they've been in a similar situation. It makes me want to be more sensitive and giving. My cousin, Michael, had written some sweet things about his 'Aunt Beulah.' Right away, I thought, "I must tell her what he said." Mike's 3 year old little girl, also named 'Beulah' after my mother, said "Now there is only one Beulah..." Tonight, I hope to get more sleep. I fell asleep last night quickly, but woke up a few hours later, and I saw my mother's face through the different stages of life, and I saw her face as she looks now, and she was smiling and pink and glowing, vibrant and full of life. Today, I typed in her name on my laptop, and up came her obituary, and a beautiful picture of her, which was blown up from a photo I had taken of her and given to my sister several years ago. Besides the basics, there were some special things said of her. "Beulah was artistic, a poet, a lover of nature, an educator and perpetual student, and a Bible and C.S.Lewis scholar. She was the originator of Women's Retreats in the Lancaster Mennonite Conference, which she helped plan for 25 years." I have a feeling, that after Mother saw Jesus, and Daddy, and her mama and papa, and Naomi and Abie, and her brother and his wife, and all of her friends, I bet she went and found C.S. No, let me change that. I bet he was waiting in line to greet her. He would have had to wait his turn because I am quite sure that Job and Joseph and Daniel would have come first. Oh, Mother. I miss you so. But, I don't wish you were here. Breathe! Breathe! Breathe...heaven's air! Thank you, dear sweet Mother, for being my dear, sweet Mother. Thank you, dear, sweet Jesus, for giving her to me.
Fri.-Sun.-Just lost everything I wrote a week after the facts.So now, I will contact Lindsay and ask for her help because blogger has switched its style on me again and I can't figure out how to do anything. I will catch up later. As for now, the most important thing is this: My mother is with God. And now she knows how much He's always loved her.
Okay. See if this works. Traveled to Pa. on Friday with Phil and Susan and settled in at Joe's by 9:30. Boys arrived at Grandpa's after midnight. Freeman and Alli went to Dave and Anne's.
Sat.-Met Rosalee at Witmer Heights around 11 to set up display tables. Mother had chosen an Amish casket-simple and finished with brass handles. It was classy. Rosalee helped me open it so I could see Mother. She looked beautiful in her pink dress;like herself yet not like herself. The soul is the light of the eyes and the eyes are the light of the body and with both of them gone, she was gone too. So many people came through the line, offering their love, memories, thanksgivings, and comfort regarding our mother. I took in their strength and gained joy as the day continued. I read six of Mother's poems and two of her writings during the service. It was a joy to do so; I was so proud of her. Rosalee gave a tribute to Mother and people cried. The service ended with a male choir recording of 'Still, Still with Thee' sung accappella. It was majestic and thrilling; like flying heavenward. At the graveside, we stood around and talked with our Landis and Diffenbach cousins and other family members and friends. We came back to the church for a meal and more memories.
I so appreciated the friends who came to support my siblings. And my friends, too-Teresa S. and Naomi G., her aunt. Mabe and Naomi. Mabe had buried his papa the day my mother died. He was a comforting kind of sad and it was good to be near him. Naomi teased David about how he'd ask her what the words meant in German class at LMH because he knew she knew Pennsylvania Dutch. Bev, Rosa, Shelly, Janet Z., and Tina F. came too. I will write more about the funeral later. It deserves its own place.
Micah came home from hospital. They drained the fluid off his hip and he is starting to feel better.
Sun.-Went to Hopewell and enjoyed the stirrings of revival and the reunion of many friends. Went to Mom and Dad's for a Hertzler gathering. Stayed all day. Uncle Paul and Aunt Rhoda came and he told the story of how he had been scammed. I want to write about that too. It is quite a story. I think of Uncle Paul every day because Phil looks like him and acts like him more and more every day.
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