My Mother's Journal Gems

I've been going through a bout of insecurity. When three women from the same little group snub me, I start thinking that they are talking about me or don't like me, and then I try to think about what I might have done to offend them and I can come up with quite a few things, and instead of loving them, I wonder why they don't love me, because everybody else loves me, so why don't they...you get the picture and it ain't pretty.
I realized yesterday, in my moments of sanity down at my chapel, that pride is the root of all evil, including insecurity. Who am I that I think everyone should love me or like me? Who am I to think that my imperfections shouldn't be judged. Who am I that I should want to be accepted by others before I accept them or just because I accept them. Who am I?
I read somewhere this week-"What other people are thinking about me is none of my business." I liked that enough to put it on face book.
Well, this morning, I was reading in my mother's red journal, and she had a bout of insecurity herself. I decided to devote these three entries to her thoughts and revelations regarding this malady.
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I've finished "My Utmost for His Highest" but have been going through, reading underlined sections. And this entry describes exactly what I have had as a sneaking feeling about myself. "WE ARE SO NAUSEATINGLY SERIOUS, SO DESPERATELY INTERESTED IN OUR OWN CHARACTER AND REPUTATION, WE REFUSE TO BEHAVE LIKE CHRISTIANS IN THE SHALLOW CONCERNS OF LIFE" and the deeper, I might add. Why am I so overwhelmingly conscious of rejection right now? Or lately. At the least little thing I feel it or imagine it. The above is the answer, probably.

Someone was telling me that the wife of their friend had no close friends; that she was shy. My impression of her was that she was unfriendly, not really interested in making any contacts. And it was a revelation. I saw myself-never taking the initiative, always expecting others to talk to me first, etc. And I saw it as selfishness-not shyness. Everyone has a burden of some kind they are carrying. I should forget myself and my need for affirmation and just show caring and interest to all I meet.

I read this from an old devotional book "God's Purpose" (each day a different writer) "IF WE ARE INCURABLY SUSPICIOUS, HOW URGENT IS THE NEED OF THIS RESTRAINING WARNING, ~'CHARITY~~~THINKETH NO EVIL.'" This gives me a sense of freedom from the tendency I have to imagine the slights, etc of those around me. Then I pull into my shell and avoid relating to them. Maybe I was always this way and didn't realize it. But this truth could set me free from that. "It's just something you do not allow yourself to think!"
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Mother gave me an additional quote after reading this blog entry. "You wouldn't worry about what people thought of you if you realized how much they didn't."
I also think that how people treat us has more to do with who they are and what they are going through than with who we are. It is seldom about us.
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Thank you, dear Mother, for taking the time 15 years ago, to be vulnerable and write down your thoughts and revelations in regards to your struggle with insecurity. I think it may be a human malady. I know it is mine, but you have helped me.
Perhaps if we truly love people, we won't be insecure, because our cup will overflow onto them and our perception of rejection won't be able to climb up into our cup. Jesus, give me your love that thinks no evil and judges no mans thoughts or intentions. Forgive me for being so judgmental.

Amy Carmichael wrote, in her little book 'IF'
the following statement that I have held on to for years.

"If I feel bitterly towards those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love."

This puts things in perspective. Even if I would be right in thinking others are condemning me, there is much to condemn. Let them judge. I deserve that judgment and more.

Dear Lord, cleanse me from the things in my life that deserve judgment and defend for me those things that do not. For truly, it is what You think of me that matters.