Hertzler Doings~July 12-18, 2010

Mon.-(Waking song-'And His glory is exalted, far above the earth and sky.' Old hymn that Phil sang to me the other night. He was singing it earlier when he was making silage from the earless corn stalks before they completely dried up. ) Guys working at Gilliam's. Michael selling Cutco. Susan and I doing odd jobs, trying to catch up. Diane H. called and we talked for over an hour. I showed her how to get on my blog when I was up and she read it this morning and wanted to keep talking to me. So thankful to be back in better contact with her and her sweet family. Janelle and Micah came over for half a day. She is working on getting internet service at her place. Susan and I are starting back on a better eating program. I was challenged by something I read under the verses on 'thoughts' in my mother's journal. It said that Daniel determined in his mind not to eat the king's meat and drink. I need to determine in my mind not to eat the world's food. I watered the tomatoes and flowers today with Micah and then God answered the earth's cry for rain. I sat on my easy chair with the door open and ate our supper of bruschetta while feeling the winds and dampness of rain. Send Your spiritual rain, even as You sent Your natural rain, O Lord. We long for you in a dry and thirsty land...

Christi came over in eve. and played Rook with Philip. Susan making plans with Makenzie about when she can come again. She was so worn out today that she slept over 3 hours back on my bed. Michael is showing off his Cutco scissors by making creative designs from the pennies he cuts up. I think he should make earrings on the spot for his customers out of shiny new pennies.

Freeman went to his place after work to paint. He is highly motivated. He is preparing for his bride.

I've been thinking alot today about God's 'No Fly Zones.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I've been thinking about Restorative Justice.

What should we do when someone comes to their senses after reaping the unpleasant harvest brought about by their actions of betrayal and abandonment? What should we do when they want to come back? Do we open our arms and say that everything is fine? Or do we wait for their words, "I am not worthy to be here. What can I do to make things right?"

Can we crucify Christ again? What is the price of grace? What does it mean to forgive? What does it mean to restore? Where does justice begin? Where does justice end? Do love and trust have anything in common? Where does the burden of forgiveness lie? Who bears the burden to restore trust? What does restitution look like? How will we know that things are right?

Was his Christian behavior a lie before he returned to his sinful past? If we did not know him before, who are we being reconciled to? By their fruit you will know them, said Jesus. What kind of fruit was produced before? How long until this present tree will produce fruit we can judge?
Easy come, easy go. Easy come back, easy go away again. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to think. But I know I must be real, and not everyone is going to understand my unstretched arms and my feet that walk away.

There are those who willingly and mercifully surround this prodigal with their love and support. Just as I do not judge harshly their involvement in his life, I will trust that they will not judge harshly my hesitant confusion. It would be 'easier' on me if I just acted like everything was okay. It is much harder on me to be cautious and reserved and observant. Everyone's experience with the one in question has been different. Every one has a different story. But I hope we will have grace for one another's perspectives and with the personal ways we process this situation.

I, for one, must wait and see. The cost has been too high to pretend that it is not.

But as I wait to see those things which can be judged justly, I will embrace mercy and endeavor to walk humbly with God, for this is what He requires of me.

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I am thankful for Micah's happy involvement as I read Frances the Badger books to him today.
I am thankful that Susan got to catch up on some much needed sleep. I am thankful for the rain.

Tues.-Exhausted. Left eye still twitching. Processing many things. Brought some heartache with me back from Pa. Am also processing thoughts about forgiveness, tough love, redemption, restoration, etc. Am also sorry that I allowed myself to become a savior to someone and both of us are paying the price for that one.
Takes about 3 days of detoxing until I start feeling human again. I hope by Thursday, I'll recognize the feeling. Why do I do this to myself?
Cleaned my little prayer chapel. Just like our spirits that house the presence of God, my little house must be swept out periodically. A little mouse thinks he owns the place. A sparrow fell on my porch and died. Perhaps he was trying to get it and stunned himself on the window. I don't blame him for wanting in; God Spirit hovers there. If God mourns the sparrow that falls where no one sees, God carries my sorrows that He alone can see.
Oh God, help me judge justly without being judgmental.
Help me disengage from an unhealthy relationship without being mean.
Keep my heart simple. Keep my heart pure. Keep my heart.

I am thankful for a day at home and the chance to crash and burn.
I am thankful for good friends.
I am thankful for Phil on the tractor making silage and the kisses he blows me when he sees me on my gator.

Wed.-Song through the night-"This is Jesus in His glory...King of Heaven dying for me..."
Met Lynn and Makenzie at the Madison Heights Walmart today around 10:45. We'll have Makenzie for a week. Susan and Makenzie are so happy. They picked the rest of the corn in the garden. I made granola. Went to a women's meeting at 5. Visited Kim and ran errands in eve. while girls were at youth group. They both want to go to Ecuador after hearing the team share.

I am thankful that our air conditioning is working better.
I am thankful for the fun the girls had being independent of me in Walmart. They bought alot of food with Makenzie's money and had the time of their lives.
I am thankful for the women of our church.
I am thankful for the woodsy waft of patchouli that remains on me since Lisa S.'s hug.
The fragrance of our lives is about to blend. May it be a sweet smelling savor to you, O God.


Thurs.-Song-"Have Mercy on Me Oh God, according to Your steadfast love, according to Your great compassion, blot out my many transgressions, and wash away all mine iniquity, cleanse me from sin." (Steve and Annie Chapman's version) Met Gil's mom at Noah's Pet Shop and took Emma and Adi back home with me. Took them to the river in the afternoon. Makenzie and Susan helped me with them. They swam a bit and dug in the sand and filled buckets with sand and water. Emma almost fell asleep on my lap while I sat in my 'easy chair' in the river. Adi collected stones for us to write names on. "One for Emma, one for Adi, one for Daddy, one for Mommy, one for you, one for Chi Alpha, one for when Emma gets bigger..." Such smart little girls. They paint and play with play dough and enjoy their lives. Lindsay said that Emma screamed in excitement when she heard they were coming here. Gil and Lindsay are at a Chi Alpha Retreat in Phoenix. Lindsay is being asked to do more writing for Chi Alpha and I am so proud of her. (She called to check on them and Emma wouldn't talk to her and Lindsay was secure enough to know that that was a good sign. ) Micah and Janelle came over while we were getting cleaned up and all of the children enjoyed Emma's Tinkerbelle movie. I made a bed on the floor for them in our bedroom and they were asleep by 9:00 I think and slept through the night until 7:15 Fri. morn.

I am thankful that we had our children when I was younger. :)

I am thankful for our big bathtub and the scrubbing that Emma and Adi do with little scrub pads when they are taking a bath.

I am thankful for snugly wiggly clean little bodies and beautiful minds that comprehend the words I am reading to them.

I am thankful for Susan and Makenzie's help and for Susan's consistent good sense.

Fri.-Waking song-"To know, know, know Him...is to love, love, love Him, and I do, and I do, and I do..." How old is that song? We watched Tink again while eating breakfast on the sofa-fruit loops and cheese sticks and a nectarine. I just remembered that as Emma sat on the sofa yesterday due to a disciplinary action on Susan's part, she began to sigh and say, "I want Freeman." Reminded me of the time Helen disciplined Serena around that age and she looked out the window and cried, "I want Bubba." (Freeman) My mother always says that he has a gift of comfort.
Watched Tinkerbelle again. Emma fell asleep on a large sheet of paper she was drawing on. The marker was still in her hand when she was fully asleep. Michael snapped a picture and sent it to Lindsay in Phoenix.
I am not keeping up with the energy of these two little darlings. I must get in shape and soon!
I am thankful for the experience of these last few days and the renewed respect I have gained for mother's of young children.
I am thankful for the chance to snatch a few words of reading during my quick bathroom breaks.
I am thankful that I am 52 instead of 25.

Sat.-Gil and Lindsay came late morning and the girls were not particularly happy to see them. Their wise parents hung around for a bit and we caught up on news and inspirations. Christi made funnel cakes and went fishing later with Philip. Lindsay sat with me while I sewed and Gil rested on the easy chair. Phil and Tom worked on making silage until the heavens opened up. Then they came in for coffee and granola. Freeman worked on his house while the rest watched a movie or sold a knife. The girls helped me clean the house and we got things in shape in about an hours time. I made lots of taco meat for the weekend.
I read 'Wild at Heart' by John Eldredge this week. Even though I am not quite comfortable with what I wrote under Monday about Restorative Justice, I am even more uncomfortable not printing it. So, I will jump off the cliff and be the risk-taking (wo)man that John was talking about in his book and push the 'publish' button. What an inspiring book-Wild at Heart! Every male and female with the ability to read should read that book!
I am thankful for the downpour.
I am thankful for Lindsay.
I am thankful for Michael making popcorn and the movie night ahead.

Sun.-Phil and Michael drove to NC to see Phil's cousin Dennis. Uncle Milford and Aunt Ruth were down there and asked Phil to come down and visit. During church worship today, I think I heard God's voice telling me two different things. I felt Him say, "The light of the countenance of my face is upon you. Don't get distracted by anything else." I kept my focus on His face and I felt my face lighten from His light. And I also felt Him say, "Adapt." And that was a good answer for me. I don't have to change things. I must adapt and that was a relief, really.
I also realized that the whole Restorative Justice issue has nothing to do with whether or not I love this person or not because I do love him and I do want to believe the best. It has to do with what is right and what is just. It is always right to love. It is not always right to trust. For me, if I give you a hug or words of 'welcome back home', it means that I give you my trust. But I think I may need to change it to mean that I will love you even as I wait to see if I can trust you. And even though I still did not know what to do this morning, my feet were not in a hurry to run away. This is the reality of my story. I do not pretend to be right about it at all. I am writing no gospel here.
Went to church with Freeman. Philip took Makenzie and Susan. Some thoughts I came away with from the service: We are here to serve God's purposes. What little we have is more than most people have. Teaching was from 11 Thess. 2-Unrighteous deception occurs when we do not receive the love of the truth that we might be saved. Be watchful for the spirit of anti-christ which is preceded by a spirit of lethargy; an abandonment of faith. You are either rebelling, or obeying, or lukewarm. You cannot abandon what you don't already have. Beware of a spirit of deceit where the untruth begins to look like truth. Beware of a falling away of righteousness, where good is called evil and evil is called good. Good enough is not excellence. We will never have a passion for souls unless we have a conviction of sin. Live and serve as if He were coming back today. There is a huge gulf between condoning and condemning sin. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty, hope, and healing.
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After lunch, Freeman and Alli, Kelli, Makenzie, Susan, and I went to the river and sat in it and played for awhile. I stayed down about an hour longer and read Philip Yancey's book-"Disappointment with God." I like this book. He says that we need to think about how God feels. He quotes G.K. Chesterton as saying, "The central idea of the great part of the Old Testament may be called the idea of the loneliness of God." I accidentally dropped the book in the river and now it's a bit ripply. I bought it used at Reuzit in Morgantown so I don't feel so bad.
K, S, and M are making pork tenderloin on the grill. When I offered them rolls, they said, "We just want meat." Phil and Michael got home close to 5 and we all spent a relaxing eve. at home. The clouds are so beautiful in their height and threatening majesty. I love storms. I hope these clouds keep their obvious promise of wild things coming our way.
Christi, Philip, Susan, Makenzie, and Michael spent an hour or two on the front porch after Alli and Kelli went home. I heard lots of squeals and laughter.
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I am thankful that if my brain doesn't turn off at night, that at least I have a brain.
I am thankful that morning will be here in a few hours.
I am thankful that I am ready to go back to sleep now.