How to Keep Sane on a Plane

Three months after my brother-in-law, Johnny, was killed in Thailand, his wife, Janelle, and I flew back to Thailand in order for her to gather some of her belongings and to bring some closure to her time there. We had many adventures. I just read in my Thailand journal that Janelle was scolding me in Hong Kong because I wasn't paying any attention to where we were going and was just following her around and she said, "I could drop over any minute and then what would you do?" And I said, "You would never be resuscitated so fast in all your life. You'd get to say 'Hello' and 'Good-bye' and you'd be back here with me again." Just in the past week, a friend of mine flew with her husband to China, to pick up their new little girl that they are adopting. I thought of the long flight and the endurance test it is since I've experienced a flight to Asia myself.  I was writing the "No-No's" List for e-harmony men and got to remembering the gift book I wrote while in flight on that long trip. At that time, I was exhausted from lack of sleep and the emotion of sorrow, and what I wrote was extremely humorous to both Janelle and I and it kept us from losing our minds. I think. I think it was funny and I think it kept us from losing our minds, but perhaps you should be the judge. I have to write it here since it probably will never be made into a gift book. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"25 Ways to be Annoying on the Plane"
or "How to Lose Your Seat at 20,000 Feet"~~~~

1. Follow behind the stewardess and mimic her words and motions as she talks to people.
 2. Yell "Brace! Brace!" loudly and with authority. This will keep people from being bored and will rouse them from their sleep. ("Brace" is what the crew member says when there is an impending crash. You brace the back of your head with your hands and move forward, bending over.)
3. Go around and ask people if you can have their leftovers-before they are finished eating.
4. Get the microphone and announce that there will now be a talent show and that one person from each row should get ready to share their talent.
5. Find an empty seat beside someone who is sleeping and lean your head on their shoulder and fall asleep.
6. Organize relay races between the sides of the plane like women play at Baby Showers, etc. See which side can bring you things from their belongings the quickest. For ex. "Lipstick", "A $20 bill", or "Picture of a grand-child." The winning side gets to leave the plane first.
7. Encourage people to talk to each other and find out about each other's lives. (Use the microphone again to communicate this point.) Say loudly, "Come on now, let's not be strangers!"
8. Wake up sleeping people and ask if they are comfortable enough.
9. Offer to clean people's eye glasses for them.
10. Boldly spray the confined area with air freshener.
11. Take the mike again and play "Where in the world are you from?" Call out the different continents and countries and have people cheer and call out when you say their country. The country with the loudest cheers, wins.
12. Stand in the aisle and sing "America's National Anthem" with as much gusto and warmth as possible, while holding your hand over your heart.
13. Drop an entire open bag of marbles on the floor. (This is especially effective during landing or take-off.)
14. Ask people if you can "borrow" their airsickness bag. Tell them you'll return it in a few minutes.
15. Go around and ask people if they want to see your beautiful mother's ring and give them the birth and life stories of each child represented.
16. Go up to someone and ask loudly, "Haven't I seen you on 'America's Most Wanted?'
17. Play your harmonica.
18. Pop bubble wrap or bubblegum.
19. Blow soap bubbles and hide your container while doing so.
20. Go around and ask people if they would like to use the bathroom now. 21.Go up to a complete stranger and slap them on the shoulder and say emphatically, "THERE you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!" and then proceed to converse with them about things they will think they should know about.
22. Ask the people in your row if they would like to play "Whisper Down the Lane."
23. Ask the stewardess for at least 10 wet hand wipes and tell her you want them so you can take a sponge bath.
24. When the stewardess asks you if you want a drink, tell her you want a mixed drink of milk, tomato juice and coke. Sip it and begin to gag, gesturing wildly as if unable to breathe.
25. Hiccup loudly.
26. Ask the stranger who was sleeping nearest you if they realize that they talk very coherently while they sleep. Then keep looking at them, shaking your head with disapproval while making "tsk, tsk' sounds with your tongue.

That's twenty-six. I have two more but they're really far too mean to print and they reveal the downward spiral of my human nature far too well. I haven't read this list for years. I was telling someone at school what I was typing and they said that perhaps God gave me that goofiness to serve a special purpose at that time and I am quite sure they were right about that.

(May 23, 1013-What makes me laugh to this day is how ridiculous these are and how tired we were. I would write a few in my notebook, hand it over to Janelle to read, and she would shake helplessly with laughter, tears rolling down her face.)