Johnny- Nov.4,1968 - July 24, 2005

Ps.84:5-"Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, Whose heart is set on pilgrimage."

I'm not sure if I've ever written a "Dear John" letter before, but here goes:

Dear Johnny,
I miss you. We all miss you. What were you thinking that Sunday morning in Thailand as you rode your motorcycle to church? Were you thinking about your sermon,"The Good Shepherd Lays Down His Life for His Sheep?" Were you thinking about how to say English words in Thai? Were you thinking about Janelle and Micah? Were you worshiping? Praying? Preoccupied? Why did Mr. Sompaun have to be drinking that morning? Why did he try to pass a vehicle when you were so near? Why did your two worlds have to collide? Why? Why? Why?
When will I stop asking questions and when will I stop wrestling with God? I have found in that wrestling a gift. "Be angry to my face," He gifted. "Don't turn your back and be angry with me." And so I wrestle with Him and look at His face and see His tears mingle with mine. Precious face . Wrinkled with smiles. Wrinkled with acquaintance with grief. And so I walk with a limp and I do not let go. I need the answers and I am not blessed with them yet.
Mom and Dad spent the day together yesterday in honor of you. They went out and ran some errands and ate at the Olive Garden and visited your gravesite. Dad and his sons had found a large rock for your gravestone at Janelle's request and your Ps. 84 verse is written on its side along with your name and dates of your life. There is a natural seat in the rock and Micah has played on that place as Janelle thought he would. A little bronze bird with a bronze bowl rests there too, symbolizing the sparrow finding a home, I think.
You've given me another gift, besides the wrestling with God gift. You've given me Janelle and Micah. She is a treasure deep and we have yet to see what will come from her sorrow. Janelle and I went back to Thailand together and we are bonded for life. Our humor sense is magnified when we are together. Micah is going to be 5 in Jan. He is smart and sensitive and funny. He loves to ride the gator with me and play in our river and watch "The Three Stooges" with his Uncle Phil and cousins, Freeman, Philip, Michael, and Susan. He will be fine, but he misses you. He needs you.
Mr. Sompaun , through the redemptive actions of Janelle and the church in Thailand, came to know Jesus through paying for your death. Instead of paying money, he paid time to fellowship with other believers. Mom and Dad were at his baptism. He stopped drinking, doing drugs, etc. and his business flourished. I got to meet him. We were happy to see something good come from your death. But this week, we received news that he is back to drinking and his business is failing. He had stopped coming to church. His unbelieving family members are begging him to come back to God and the church. And I'm not sure what to do with this. We do pray for him and his family and see quite an opportunity for God to work in more people's lives through this.
But, it doesn't answer my demand for God to bring something redemptive and world-changing through your death. It doesn't fulfill that verse I heard in my head upon hearing the news of your death,"Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies...there won't be a harvest." I'm still waiting for the harvest, Johnny. I'm still waiting for the good. I'm still wanting to be able to tell God that it was best that He took you. And who am I to tell God what needs to happen. I am struck dumb before Him.
And there you are. There you are. With Him. Loving, talking, worshiping, knowing, leaning, learning....happy, healed, loved, known, perfect. I would say that what you are experiencing is something good that has happened from your death. I think I can be happy for you. I know I am smiling just thinking about it.
Thank you for all that you have poured into my life and the lives of my husband and children. You were one of our greatest cheer leaders. Thank you for playing hard. Thank you for all the time you gave to us. Thank you for being present when you were. Thank you for making us all feel like we were your favorite. I am so blessed to have known you. Words fail me here.
How do I say good-bye? How do I let you go? How do I comfort my husband when he is overcome with missing you when we are singing one of your favorite songs at church? We are living in the land of questions and you are living in the land where questions are forgotten. And I can look forward to being there with you.
Thank you for the gifts you've left me with, Johnny. I'll love you forever.
Your Favorite,
"A"